Matter of Time.

I feel the need to speak, but speaking is something i just cannot do with this. It is more than that! If this isn't an act out for help then I don't know what else to do. Throw my body into your face and hope that you see me? Buy a gun and point it to my forehead until you know the information I just want to scream at you, or you, or even you. It does't matter... no one ever listens in the end. 


I don't want to play the game of just getting by, and hoping for the best while wishing everything could just be better. I need to find this motivating spirit that i can use with my life. To loose weight, to get straight A (maybe just one B), to clean my apartment, to get a boyfriend, to receive and to actually produce love. Simply love to myself, my parents, my siblings, newborns, elderly, ANYTHING! I have this huge heart when I lie on my bed and sob over romantic movies. But when it comes to people, the judgmental atmosphere that kills my insides, I don't know how to act. All these questions come to mind, stupid stupid stupid questions, that just fill the mind with what I call the cloud of death. Because its questions like this that lead you to just that.... DEATH. 


I want to learn how to play the piano. Maybe get back to the marimba, maybe just lay in my bed and hope for the best. The world became this huge competition that I just do not want to compete it. Why bother. In the end we all die, whether I say that I have succeed or the buried corpses next to mine, who is listening? I know I cannot answer who will be listening or who will I really be talking to? I know I have a few names in mind but that means nothing...


I have dead. And I would love to come back alive, I just don't know what's going to get me there. I TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY, nothing will ever go in the way of Alex Drapinski. The plans and road that is what he wants to take is the worst road to be on in a time like this, because he clearly lost the steering wheel. It's just a matter of time... Matter of Time.