Happier

We close,
We're closer.
You got into my head,
I got comfortable.
You had control.
I walked back,
You walked forward.
You're happy
I'm happier.
You had time,
Just for one time,
I didn't.
We fought,
I thought we fixed.
We didn't.
You grew,
without me.
I wrote to you,
publicly,
Yet, you still didn't hear me.
You talked,
She talked more,
Then her group talked even more.
I talked.
We should have,
But you didn't want too.
But why,
You are happy.
And I am happier.

We all have books

          A few days ago, I sat down and listened to a person talk about the complications of a human's emotion. The answer to everyone's prayer is that: each and everyone of us have a story, a novel, a poem. The book contains personal information of which all people do not deserve to know, but must earn the knowledge of someone else's words.

[period]

What am I doing with my life?

Is there a reason I wanted to dance or did I choose this myself? 

Was this the right path for me?

Is there really a God?

Do I quit my job?

Do I quit my other job?

Did I really just back out of the school play I got a role in?

Why is work sucking this year, please can you put me in a chair?

I can't take this anymore.

Why is everyone freaking out about Dean?

Changes happen in life, don't they?

Why don't my parents know about me yet?

Why do I have to tell them?

Why do I have to be like this, in the first place?

What does it mean to be this way anyway?

Whose side am I on at work?

Do I have to be a on a side, because they are making it seem to be that way?

I want a drink right now

Am I depressed?

Can I say I am depressed?

Is that admitting I am or is that looking for attention?

Now-a-days can people figure that out?

Is that the reason I cry?

Cry everyday?

Every night?

Where are my friends?

Are they really my true friends?

Do I even have true friends?

Do I have to dance like them?

Or be motivated like them?

How do I feel right now?

Is everyone like this?

Are we called humans for a reason?

Can we all just be called devils, because that is how we all act?

Am I an asshole for telling you one thing, and then thinking another?

How long do I have to go through this?

How long do I have before i die?

Should I begin to plan my death?

Or the aftermath of my death?

Does any body care?

Would any body care?

Does cutting your wrists feel good?

Should I try it?

What do I have to loose?

Did I need this promotion?

This Demi Lovato song, is very very good.

Am I wasting my time?

Should I take up acting because that is what I have been doing?

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Am I that ugly?

Does my personality suck?

Are they really going to be lucky they found me?

Why am I asking these question?

I'm done.

[period]

7 years and it happens again.

          After 7 years at a beach, and I can't say it has been seven years for me, someone needed some assistance out in the water. I unfortunately only worked at the beach for four years and for the company for six. The only time I can remember us, lifeguards, going in the water was for really hot days or in-service training. This time was definitely different. 

          The day went on like everything was normal. The questions from patrons thats annoyed me and helping lifeguard, the drama between lifeguards thats never seem to end. We, the lifeguards have been trying to get these wind surfers out for the past few hours, and we thought they were being ignorant listeners and didn't want to follow our rules. 

          Wind surfing isn't allowed at Nahant beach. But lifeguards are not here to ruin people's day. So we tell them to go past chair seven. Past chair seven is just more beach but no lifeguard to tell them what to do. So it's a win-win situation. The patrons are out of our view of vision and they get to do what they want to do. 

          The lifeguard and myself, the head lifeguard, were roaming the beach. Patrolling the water and making sure the lifeguards are awake and seeing how they are doing. We started at chair one, then to chair three.

          "Alex and Felicia, can you go get those wind surfers out of the water, they are really pissing me off." Mike, the beach manager says. 

          So we drive over and tried getting one of the two wind surfers to go the opposite direction of which he was moving. He was moving towards chair one but he needed to move towards chair 7, and beyond its point. It was such a dangerous scene to be watching, the wind surfer was zooming between children, and all I could think about was if he hits one of these kids in the head, I will kill him. 

          Eventually, I drove the gator car back to the bathhouse, which is where our beach office is located. And told Mike to hop in and take over because the wind surfers weren't listening to us. So he hopped in and went drove in the opposite direction of them. He went to the men in charge of the parking lot, to make note for them that if they see anything such as a wind kite, kayak, canoe, paddle board, anything of such site, to tell them to drive and park at the end of the beach, which would be past chair seven. After conversing with the parking attendants, he did drive over to the wind surfers and tried to blow them down. But again he weren't listening. 

          I assigned lifeguards to chair one, three, five, six, and seven. And this event started with the people at chair 5. The state doesn't like to spend money on things that would actually help lifeguards. We only had 3 pairs of binoculars and chair five isn't one who had them.

          "Chair 7?" Chair 5 radioed.

          "Yeah?"

          "Do you guys see the wind surfer out there, we hasn't been moving for about 5 minutes now.

          "Yeah, we have been watching him he is just chilling." Chair 7 radioed back. 

          Time moved on and the continuing drama did as well. There are two very unhappy lifeguards and they will do anything to throw bombs in your face when the time is never right. 

          "Yeah, that man hasn't been moving for about 10 minutes, maybe even longer now" one of the lifeguards stationed at chair 7 radioed. 

          "Okay, we are going to bring a kayak down to chair 6, and they will go out." (I actually do not recall who said this, was it myself or Felicia. I do not remember)

          After this there was argument over the radio, I may have singled Megan, one of the oldest lifeguards at the beach and has been here the longest due to the fact that she was sitting with a new lifeguard. Not only was the lifeguard a recent lifeguard it was actually his first day of the job with us, and even to get into it more, it was his first day of lifeguarding of his entire life. In mu opinion, I do trust him enough that he was well trained to do this job, but lets send in someone with more experience, one who has worked at this beach for about 5 years now and can react to the danger immediately. 

          "Okay I'll go, can I just come up to the bathhouse real quick?" Megan said over the radio

          With hesitation Mike stated "yeah"

          As Megan walked up to the bathhouse, Felicia and I were already trying to get the kayak into the gator so that we can just leave it down by the water and it will be ready to for Megan when she gets there. To be honest with everyone, I was very nervous. I think we all were except for Megan, due to a miscommunication error that was later known. 

          I told Felicia to drive, and sat in the passenger seat holding on to the kayak in the back, so it wouldn't blow away. She drove to chair 6, to see the new guy, Brian already to go in his red bathing suit and nothing else (that's all he needed). 

          "Do you have binoculars?" I asked quickly, probably breathing heavily. 

          "no, we don't have any"

          Can the stupid state, just buy us some damn equipment.

          "Drive to chair 7." I said to Felicia, hoping no one would ask me why, and basically just do it. It worked.

          Felicia pulled up to chair 7, without even stopping, I already hoped out of the vehicle and onto the lifeguard station. I got their binoculars and looked out into the water to see the man. I could see him but just his blog of a guy floating in the ocean. No hands waving in the air, no face expressions saying I need help. Only a blob of human, possibly dead, possibly treading, possible submerged, maybe I was looking at his board or kite.

          "I'm going just drive me down not. We can't wait for Megan!" I yelled

          I went over the radio and told Brian to meet us at the water, As I ran back into the gator I stole chair 7's rescue board so that Brian can go out with me. I had no bathing suit on at all so I was going in fully clothes.

          Felicia raced out way down to the water. It was low tide by now, so we had a ways to go from the the chairs. I started taking off my shoes and socks, and getting all my thing out of my pockets, such as my wallet, my sunglasses, my cellular phone, keys, everything need to be off my body. In the process of this I am screaming because I was so confused at to what is going on. There is a man out there, what is he doing? I wonder if he is okay? Why did Megan have to go up to the bathhouse? Isn't this an emergency? I am screaming to Felicia that I'm going in now, as I yank the kayak on the ground and throw it into the water. Brain runs up and i throw the board right next to the kayak, and we start going, without any words between anyone. We both started pedaling.

          I'm so angry. Why did Megan do this? I hope this guy is okay. Mike, why did he tell Megan is was okay to go up to the bathhouse? Keep pushing Alex, You're gonna make it. I hope to God this dude isn't submerged. What would I do. Brian could help me. Wait! Where's Brian. Damn I passed him. Got to keep going. There is a man out there, he needs my help. What is this man is submerged? Would go under water. NO! I need help. Will the board get there in time? His arms, the kids poor arms. My arms. This is tiring. How far is he. Okay getting closer. Okay this is going to be okay. Megan, I don't get it, what was going through her head? Alex! It doesn't matter, you got this. Do you think he is dead? Wait! He's alive he just tried to get up again. No wind. Is that is issue no wind? Should I just turn back now? No, keep going. He could be hurt. But he's alive. Okay getting closer. Closer. Closer. How far away am I from the beach. DAMN! This is far. I don't think I have ever been out this far before. I don't like it out here. Damn, my foot is numb, but I don't want to move it because I don't want this to tip. I can't get back on if I tip. Oh no, what if I tip. Are there sharks out here? Way to scare yourself Alex. Keep going! Closer. Closer. Closer. 

         Finally, I reached him. "Sir, are you okay?"

           He was a good looking man, had to be about mid thirties with dark features.

         "Yeah, just no wind." he said confused. Must have been the fact we are a mile or over, out in sea. In reality a person wouldn't be there to talk to you.

         "Do you need any help going back in? Are you tired?"

          " I mean you are here maybe I can do that. I'm not that tired but I could use the help.

         I took his board, and he connected himself to my kayak and he helps his kite. He didn't want to deflate that kite, only because for a wind surfer it acts as a life jacket. So I told him thats okay just hold it.

        It was hard to bring in about 400 pounds of wait, mine, himself, and that damn kite f his. It took a lot longer. we eventually, met up with Brain on the board. And the three of us went on in back to shore. The three of us talked as if nothing was going on, about life, and interested, what we do with our lives. It was a good time, except for the pain running through my arms.

        Possibly 20 minutes past by now and we finally started getting to shore. It was so simply, and it went very smooth. There was drama involved but yet still happened. The man is okay, and by the time we got out he thanked me and said he was tired now, so it was good we went and got him. It was a god day, and a different day at the Nahant Shore.

Day 1: Plane to Cloud Timeless.

           I walked into the airport not even feeling what I should have felt.Vacation. It wasn't that moment yet but it should have, I had just left my parents, gave them a big hug that my family usually don't deal with. Not even anxiety went through my stomach. Content and calm as could be, now this was strange. Standing in line not saying a word to Lauren, my older sister, all I could think about was: I wonder if there are two beds, I don't want to share one. Stupidest thoughts going through my head and not even one bad thought, more on the random side.Lauren and I stood in line for about and hour and a half to get our boarding passes, and I actually knew one of the ladies behind the counter. We went to school together. She didn't notice me. shucks!

           We received our boarding passes and kept traveling through the airport. Now going through an airport is like playing a video game. We passed Level 1, our reward was our boarding passes. Heading to Level 2, I realized this time was different than Switzerland. I traveled there one year prior to this trip. Customs use to be

easy, now I don't mean that in a terrorist kind of way. They use to be easy to keep on going, hard to lag things on the airplane. One being stupid hand sanitizer, what is my hands got dirty? But they changed the security around. It used to be a metal detector. NOW, it is this walk way were you stand face this huge black screen. There is a huge black screen to your rear as well. You stand there with your two hands over your head for about 10 seconds. And this so called scanner takes a naked photo of your front and back.

           Now I don't know who sees this but I sure would have liked to ask. But too nervous. I only wanted to be on that flight to Italia and not in a jail cell because I was asking question ab

out the security system.Think about it though.From the hair on your head to all 10 toes that you have AND EVERYTHING IN THE MIDDLE. Some man because I doubt the government would let a woman take that job, they would be to secretive of what they just saw is looking at your naked body. What does he say to the man that makes you wait to see if your scan was all clear? It creeps me out and makes me and a lot of others feel uncomfortable. I understand why it is happening, do you not? Just thought I had the freedom and choice to show my naked body to whom I would like too.

           I stood there and felt this vibration right in the middle of my skull. To this day, I do not know if it was just myself, acting up, from being so angry. Or the radiations from the full body scanner ruining my body. The scan was finished and I walked out. But still had to wait 'til this man told me I was clear. Passed Level 2.

          

Back From A Fantasy.

          You know, it's crazy to think where you are this this particular moment, you truly do not want to be in. I recenter just came back home from Italy, which was a fantastic trip (if you haven't traveled there before I recommend doing so). Italy is beautiful, mostly for their architecture, is simply just amazing. I came to me asking: Who sat here and did all this work? Who the hell designed this? Wow, how did they get do high? How did they pain a ceiling with no scaffolding?

          Going to a different country, especially if you live in the states, is a whole new experience. Their customs, laws, ways are all different than ours and it is clearly wonderful. Learning new things is also a plus. Something said in Italy really opened my mind and hope to continue to live by it. "dolche far niente" which the english translation is "The sweetness of doing nothing". The italians live by this, and I think that is just a brilliant conception. 

          Next time you decide to go out for dinner. Try and enjoy your meal, and then take your time when you are finished. The american servers are very selfish and rush you out of "their" tables. Don't feel rushed. Enjoy your time and meal and company, to whom you are sharing this meal with. You paid for your meal. You most likely waited to sit down. And lastly, you tipped the server. So sit their, and give your body a little time to digest as well as just rest. If you feel rushed, COMPLAIN. Because that is a bad server. 

          The city of love, Verona, was beautiful yet calm. I recently just saw Letters To Juliet, a movie that was located in Verona. The movie was a sweet romantic love story of a woman who wrote a letter to Juliet Capulet (William Shakespeare's character Juliet Capulet, in his tragedy: Romeo & Juliet). 50 years later a younger woman on her honeymoon found the letter and responded to it. It was a beautifully wrote letter, and the whole movie these two woman, and the older woman's grandson, travel to find the older woman's true love. Again such a sweet romantic story. 

          The letter talked about using the two words "what" and "if". Separate these words are as harmless as can be, but put them both together and they can be the deadliest to words of the human heart. The letter made me think about love and how does love exactly happen. People are sex addicts in our country. They are in other places as well, don't get me wrong, but more in the United States than any other country. I feel like we miss the big picture, as it drives away attached to a bus. I mean do we know how to love or do we not. Does anyone? Can anyone? How do you know? I wish I watched this movie because I traveled to Italy because I would have loved to feel what I feel now in the city of love.