I am

a liar. A fricking, fucking liar. How does one get anywhere with a mouth like mine? A mind like mind? This life is about honesty, and I know nothing about that word. The word that connected relationships, the word that creates bonds between people for ever. All I ever say is what people want to hear. But what does that get anyone? Happiness isn't the answer.

This must change. I need to speak my mind in a kind manner. A way that people can understand where I am coming from as well as get my point across. I guess I'm scared. Scared of what people think about me, think about my interests, my lifestyle. I don't like when people think of me differently, and by stating my real opinion, I sometimes think it will mix up their feelings of me. From now on I am going to try my best at this honesty thing. I have too, I must. I can't be this liar. No one should be.

Thinking Back..

You ever sit and think back to a day where you loved every minute of every second? Think about who you were with, what you were doing? Lastly, what were the thoughts going through your head at the time. A familiar name that takes me a step back in my life showed up the other day and from that day on its a name I think of often. And that's not for the better. Just looking at the name hit me in back with a paddle.

It was back in high school, this day, I was in my favorite spot in the world over by Nahant beach. A little rocky area that is called 40 steps, due to the amount of stairs you had to walk down in order to get to this tiny beach with gigantic rocks that lead to the beautiful ocean blue. Today, their are actually more steps. They had to rebuilt the stairs because it became to dangerous and steep to walk up and down. But this location is peaceful, scenic and just thought provoking. I was there with him. Him, who I cannot name. He sticks in my heart, I can't say as my first love but as my first man, my first experience, my first real emotion, my first real kiss.

There are two side to get onto this beach, one being the stairs and the other being a private parking lot that only locals are allowed to park in. Going against the rules that is where I parked and we took a long walk into and onto these rocks. A place I have yet stepped on, it was dark and late but the fact that it was new to me excited me. We kept walking until he said lets sit down here. And even today I can point out this particular spot to anyone. It was the flattest part of the rock that had a rectangular small piece of rock to its right with a bush to the left and directly in the back of the middle of these piece was a small tree that drooped towards the bush. I would forget it. It looks like a hard bed with a plant next to it.

This isn't the spot that I had my first kiss, yet that was on a beach, it was not this beach. This place though.... a place full of memories already. Took me to this new element of a man lying on top of me and me lying on top of another man. I promise you this is not the place I did the deed, that never happened with this man, whom I will not name. Thinking back on this time I can remember how happy I was to be having this long moment with someone whom I have thought about three years prior to this happening. The end of this story is sad, which kills me to think about but I won't ever forget this time. The time that we kissed so long, I felt as if I was still kissing him the whole drive home. The time I felt his skin of his ass on my palm. The time I thought something would have came out of the what I thought was friendship. The time I left my favorite rock of all time on the water with this new confidence, new life in me.

Why can thoughts take you to a place you don't want to relive, good or bad, it hurts to much?

20 Seconds

We need to live, we need to love and hate but understand. We need to connect to strangers to relatives. We need to walk and not stop until you get to where you truly would like to be. We need to work, work hard for life not for money but for life itself. We need courage, courage to speak our minds, courage to keep walking, courage to breathe. Breath is one thing that stays without us our whole lives, why let it go. 


We are missing out on so much because we are frightened, frightened by others, life, words, emotion. [20 Seconds]. Frightened by light or death. Frightened by challenges, boundaries, rules. Frightened by laws. [20 Seconds]. By animals, boys, women, attention, anxiety, spiders, the world at its fullest. [20 Seconds]. 


Why not face it, face life to live to your fullest. There could be so much. Not greed, but light, love, new mind. Why not. Why not be yourself. Find yourself through yourself not through others. Through grass, flowers, clouds, the sky, the freedom. The freedom to enjoy what you could be. [20 Seconds]. 


I always ask myself "What If?" now I ask you "Why Not?"

The same stupidity of all of us.

From time to time, everyone on this planet says "I want to stop and just breathe for a moment and cherish it." This is a great thing to say, I mean, I am about to say to all of you right now. It is such a used phrase but one that means so much. It means you want to try.. And that is all I want too do. For me it's not so much the take a breathe but more of the important moments.


I know where I want my life to go, but how I am getting there is debatable. I just hope that I can live it. Now-a-days life itself has become such a struggle when we didn't need to make it this way. And this is economy, government, and us the people. We make such categories of people, food, countries, states, and more that we separate ourselves from one another and all anyone needs while living is spending it with one another. 


I, myself would like to just STOP, and love everything. Love that I am where I am, love that I am wearing my favorite color blue shirt, love that I have fashionable shoes on my feet, love that I have the ability to see and smile, love that when I go home I have a family who loves me no matter how much they don't tell me, love that I have friends who love me, love that I am getting a great education, love my past, past relationships, past moments I didn't get to cherish, love that I can feel, feel emotion, feel silk, feel real leather, love I am here. Here on this planet call earth that is ours. I am living and I don't have a moment to realize it. I don't have a moment to love it. To feel it. Embrace it. 


This is what I want and I am going to try my hardest into achieving it. 




Take a look at this picture.

Hard to believe but I had taken this picture 2 years ago, on my travels in Switzerland. Such a beautiful picture of the mountains. As much as I would love to lie to you right now, this picture is embracive and I did not even embrace it. This picture is pure beauty and I didn't have the chance to realize it, till I came home and wished I had sat there and just stared at this image and loved everything about it. But by then it was too late...

If only....

Did YOU Know?

that only humans can cry.

The Statistics Behind...

I wake up in the morning and think of men, but not because I'm horny but because that is who should be next to me in the morning with me and him smiling at each other because we have one another. You might call me a romantic, or even a hopeless romantic because I am still single and i cannot find the perfect man, and this is why.

When choosing the "perfect" man you have to take in account all of the above: LOOKS, HIEGHT, WEIGHT, JOB, MONEY, CAR, HAIRDO, CLOTHES, DOES HE LIVE WITH HIS PARENTS? Bullshit. Welcome to my sarcasm. These things are bullshit, but yet true when it comes to probably 89% of our worlds population. When I wake up, I think about the smile that could be next to me, the eyes, the head relaxed on my chest, the stupid jokes that are ridiculous but make me laugh because it came out of his mouth, the freckle underneath his eye and how I secretly think its sexy, the facial hair on his cheek that pricks me when we kiss.

I don't know how this is about, I wish I did. I wish men just popped out of no where everyday. But they don't. All you have are the men in your life. And how can you not spend a life thinking these men are "the one", even though you have no seen some of them for quite sometime now. People have histories with people and I'd like to believe that it helps you in the end, but I can't say it has.

What I am saying is, it doesn't matter. It will never matter. And as you are reading this I can hear you asking "what?" Well I don't exactly know. But what I do know is feel something. Feel everything you can that will bring you happiness. I pray every night for this for myself and everyone in my life. You don't need a hook up or a causal fuck buddy. Because it doesn't matter. What matters is you, and your life with happiness. Everything in between the lines, I just want to experience.

Matter of Time.

I feel the need to speak, but speaking is something i just cannot do with this. It is more than that! If this isn't an act out for help then I don't know what else to do. Throw my body into your face and hope that you see me? Buy a gun and point it to my forehead until you know the information I just want to scream at you, or you, or even you. It does't matter... no one ever listens in the end. 


I don't want to play the game of just getting by, and hoping for the best while wishing everything could just be better. I need to find this motivating spirit that i can use with my life. To loose weight, to get straight A (maybe just one B), to clean my apartment, to get a boyfriend, to receive and to actually produce love. Simply love to myself, my parents, my siblings, newborns, elderly, ANYTHING! I have this huge heart when I lie on my bed and sob over romantic movies. But when it comes to people, the judgmental atmosphere that kills my insides, I don't know how to act. All these questions come to mind, stupid stupid stupid questions, that just fill the mind with what I call the cloud of death. Because its questions like this that lead you to just that.... DEATH. 


I want to learn how to play the piano. Maybe get back to the marimba, maybe just lay in my bed and hope for the best. The world became this huge competition that I just do not want to compete it. Why bother. In the end we all die, whether I say that I have succeed or the buried corpses next to mine, who is listening? I know I cannot answer who will be listening or who will I really be talking to? I know I have a few names in mind but that means nothing...


I have dead. And I would love to come back alive, I just don't know what's going to get me there. I TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY, nothing will ever go in the way of Alex Drapinski. The plans and road that is what he wants to take is the worst road to be on in a time like this, because he clearly lost the steering wheel. It's just a matter of time... Matter of Time.

Happier

We close,
We're closer.
You got into my head,
I got comfortable.
You had control.
I walked back,
You walked forward.
You're happy
I'm happier.
You had time,
Just for one time,
I didn't.
We fought,
I thought we fixed.
We didn't.
You grew,
without me.
I wrote to you,
publicly,
Yet, you still didn't hear me.
You talked,
She talked more,
Then her group talked even more.
I talked.
We should have,
But you didn't want too.
But why,
You are happy.
And I am happier.

We all have books

          A few days ago, I sat down and listened to a person talk about the complications of a human's emotion. The answer to everyone's prayer is that: each and everyone of us have a story, a novel, a poem. The book contains personal information of which all people do not deserve to know, but must earn the knowledge of someone else's words.

[period]

What am I doing with my life?

Is there a reason I wanted to dance or did I choose this myself? 

Was this the right path for me?

Is there really a God?

Do I quit my job?

Do I quit my other job?

Did I really just back out of the school play I got a role in?

Why is work sucking this year, please can you put me in a chair?

I can't take this anymore.

Why is everyone freaking out about Dean?

Changes happen in life, don't they?

Why don't my parents know about me yet?

Why do I have to tell them?

Why do I have to be like this, in the first place?

What does it mean to be this way anyway?

Whose side am I on at work?

Do I have to be a on a side, because they are making it seem to be that way?

I want a drink right now

Am I depressed?

Can I say I am depressed?

Is that admitting I am or is that looking for attention?

Now-a-days can people figure that out?

Is that the reason I cry?

Cry everyday?

Every night?

Where are my friends?

Are they really my true friends?

Do I even have true friends?

Do I have to dance like them?

Or be motivated like them?

How do I feel right now?

Is everyone like this?

Are we called humans for a reason?

Can we all just be called devils, because that is how we all act?

Am I an asshole for telling you one thing, and then thinking another?

How long do I have to go through this?

How long do I have before i die?

Should I begin to plan my death?

Or the aftermath of my death?

Does any body care?

Would any body care?

Does cutting your wrists feel good?

Should I try it?

What do I have to loose?

Did I need this promotion?

This Demi Lovato song, is very very good.

Am I wasting my time?

Should I take up acting because that is what I have been doing?

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Am I that ugly?

Does my personality suck?

Are they really going to be lucky they found me?

Why am I asking these question?

I'm done.

[period]

7 years and it happens again.

          After 7 years at a beach, and I can't say it has been seven years for me, someone needed some assistance out in the water. I unfortunately only worked at the beach for four years and for the company for six. The only time I can remember us, lifeguards, going in the water was for really hot days or in-service training. This time was definitely different. 

          The day went on like everything was normal. The questions from patrons thats annoyed me and helping lifeguard, the drama between lifeguards thats never seem to end. We, the lifeguards have been trying to get these wind surfers out for the past few hours, and we thought they were being ignorant listeners and didn't want to follow our rules. 

          Wind surfing isn't allowed at Nahant beach. But lifeguards are not here to ruin people's day. So we tell them to go past chair seven. Past chair seven is just more beach but no lifeguard to tell them what to do. So it's a win-win situation. The patrons are out of our view of vision and they get to do what they want to do. 

          The lifeguard and myself, the head lifeguard, were roaming the beach. Patrolling the water and making sure the lifeguards are awake and seeing how they are doing. We started at chair one, then to chair three.

          "Alex and Felicia, can you go get those wind surfers out of the water, they are really pissing me off." Mike, the beach manager says. 

          So we drive over and tried getting one of the two wind surfers to go the opposite direction of which he was moving. He was moving towards chair one but he needed to move towards chair 7, and beyond its point. It was such a dangerous scene to be watching, the wind surfer was zooming between children, and all I could think about was if he hits one of these kids in the head, I will kill him. 

          Eventually, I drove the gator car back to the bathhouse, which is where our beach office is located. And told Mike to hop in and take over because the wind surfers weren't listening to us. So he hopped in and went drove in the opposite direction of them. He went to the men in charge of the parking lot, to make note for them that if they see anything such as a wind kite, kayak, canoe, paddle board, anything of such site, to tell them to drive and park at the end of the beach, which would be past chair seven. After conversing with the parking attendants, he did drive over to the wind surfers and tried to blow them down. But again he weren't listening. 

          I assigned lifeguards to chair one, three, five, six, and seven. And this event started with the people at chair 5. The state doesn't like to spend money on things that would actually help lifeguards. We only had 3 pairs of binoculars and chair five isn't one who had them.

          "Chair 7?" Chair 5 radioed.

          "Yeah?"

          "Do you guys see the wind surfer out there, we hasn't been moving for about 5 minutes now.

          "Yeah, we have been watching him he is just chilling." Chair 7 radioed back. 

          Time moved on and the continuing drama did as well. There are two very unhappy lifeguards and they will do anything to throw bombs in your face when the time is never right. 

          "Yeah, that man hasn't been moving for about 10 minutes, maybe even longer now" one of the lifeguards stationed at chair 7 radioed. 

          "Okay, we are going to bring a kayak down to chair 6, and they will go out." (I actually do not recall who said this, was it myself or Felicia. I do not remember)

          After this there was argument over the radio, I may have singled Megan, one of the oldest lifeguards at the beach and has been here the longest due to the fact that she was sitting with a new lifeguard. Not only was the lifeguard a recent lifeguard it was actually his first day of the job with us, and even to get into it more, it was his first day of lifeguarding of his entire life. In mu opinion, I do trust him enough that he was well trained to do this job, but lets send in someone with more experience, one who has worked at this beach for about 5 years now and can react to the danger immediately. 

          "Okay I'll go, can I just come up to the bathhouse real quick?" Megan said over the radio

          With hesitation Mike stated "yeah"

          As Megan walked up to the bathhouse, Felicia and I were already trying to get the kayak into the gator so that we can just leave it down by the water and it will be ready to for Megan when she gets there. To be honest with everyone, I was very nervous. I think we all were except for Megan, due to a miscommunication error that was later known. 

          I told Felicia to drive, and sat in the passenger seat holding on to the kayak in the back, so it wouldn't blow away. She drove to chair 6, to see the new guy, Brian already to go in his red bathing suit and nothing else (that's all he needed). 

          "Do you have binoculars?" I asked quickly, probably breathing heavily. 

          "no, we don't have any"

          Can the stupid state, just buy us some damn equipment.

          "Drive to chair 7." I said to Felicia, hoping no one would ask me why, and basically just do it. It worked.

          Felicia pulled up to chair 7, without even stopping, I already hoped out of the vehicle and onto the lifeguard station. I got their binoculars and looked out into the water to see the man. I could see him but just his blog of a guy floating in the ocean. No hands waving in the air, no face expressions saying I need help. Only a blob of human, possibly dead, possibly treading, possible submerged, maybe I was looking at his board or kite.

          "I'm going just drive me down not. We can't wait for Megan!" I yelled

          I went over the radio and told Brian to meet us at the water, As I ran back into the gator I stole chair 7's rescue board so that Brian can go out with me. I had no bathing suit on at all so I was going in fully clothes.

          Felicia raced out way down to the water. It was low tide by now, so we had a ways to go from the the chairs. I started taking off my shoes and socks, and getting all my thing out of my pockets, such as my wallet, my sunglasses, my cellular phone, keys, everything need to be off my body. In the process of this I am screaming because I was so confused at to what is going on. There is a man out there, what is he doing? I wonder if he is okay? Why did Megan have to go up to the bathhouse? Isn't this an emergency? I am screaming to Felicia that I'm going in now, as I yank the kayak on the ground and throw it into the water. Brain runs up and i throw the board right next to the kayak, and we start going, without any words between anyone. We both started pedaling.

          I'm so angry. Why did Megan do this? I hope this guy is okay. Mike, why did he tell Megan is was okay to go up to the bathhouse? Keep pushing Alex, You're gonna make it. I hope to God this dude isn't submerged. What would I do. Brian could help me. Wait! Where's Brian. Damn I passed him. Got to keep going. There is a man out there, he needs my help. What is this man is submerged? Would go under water. NO! I need help. Will the board get there in time? His arms, the kids poor arms. My arms. This is tiring. How far is he. Okay getting closer. Okay this is going to be okay. Megan, I don't get it, what was going through her head? Alex! It doesn't matter, you got this. Do you think he is dead? Wait! He's alive he just tried to get up again. No wind. Is that is issue no wind? Should I just turn back now? No, keep going. He could be hurt. But he's alive. Okay getting closer. Closer. Closer. How far away am I from the beach. DAMN! This is far. I don't think I have ever been out this far before. I don't like it out here. Damn, my foot is numb, but I don't want to move it because I don't want this to tip. I can't get back on if I tip. Oh no, what if I tip. Are there sharks out here? Way to scare yourself Alex. Keep going! Closer. Closer. Closer. 

         Finally, I reached him. "Sir, are you okay?"

           He was a good looking man, had to be about mid thirties with dark features.

         "Yeah, just no wind." he said confused. Must have been the fact we are a mile or over, out in sea. In reality a person wouldn't be there to talk to you.

         "Do you need any help going back in? Are you tired?"

          " I mean you are here maybe I can do that. I'm not that tired but I could use the help.

         I took his board, and he connected himself to my kayak and he helps his kite. He didn't want to deflate that kite, only because for a wind surfer it acts as a life jacket. So I told him thats okay just hold it.

        It was hard to bring in about 400 pounds of wait, mine, himself, and that damn kite f his. It took a lot longer. we eventually, met up with Brain on the board. And the three of us went on in back to shore. The three of us talked as if nothing was going on, about life, and interested, what we do with our lives. It was a good time, except for the pain running through my arms.

        Possibly 20 minutes past by now and we finally started getting to shore. It was so simply, and it went very smooth. There was drama involved but yet still happened. The man is okay, and by the time we got out he thanked me and said he was tired now, so it was good we went and got him. It was a god day, and a different day at the Nahant Shore.

Day 1: Plane to Cloud Timeless.

           I walked into the airport not even feeling what I should have felt.Vacation. It wasn't that moment yet but it should have, I had just left my parents, gave them a big hug that my family usually don't deal with. Not even anxiety went through my stomach. Content and calm as could be, now this was strange. Standing in line not saying a word to Lauren, my older sister, all I could think about was: I wonder if there are two beds, I don't want to share one. Stupidest thoughts going through my head and not even one bad thought, more on the random side.Lauren and I stood in line for about and hour and a half to get our boarding passes, and I actually knew one of the ladies behind the counter. We went to school together. She didn't notice me. shucks!

           We received our boarding passes and kept traveling through the airport. Now going through an airport is like playing a video game. We passed Level 1, our reward was our boarding passes. Heading to Level 2, I realized this time was different than Switzerland. I traveled there one year prior to this trip. Customs use to be

easy, now I don't mean that in a terrorist kind of way. They use to be easy to keep on going, hard to lag things on the airplane. One being stupid hand sanitizer, what is my hands got dirty? But they changed the security around. It used to be a metal detector. NOW, it is this walk way were you stand face this huge black screen. There is a huge black screen to your rear as well. You stand there with your two hands over your head for about 10 seconds. And this so called scanner takes a naked photo of your front and back.

           Now I don't know who sees this but I sure would have liked to ask. But too nervous. I only wanted to be on that flight to Italia and not in a jail cell because I was asking question ab

out the security system.Think about it though.From the hair on your head to all 10 toes that you have AND EVERYTHING IN THE MIDDLE. Some man because I doubt the government would let a woman take that job, they would be to secretive of what they just saw is looking at your naked body. What does he say to the man that makes you wait to see if your scan was all clear? It creeps me out and makes me and a lot of others feel uncomfortable. I understand why it is happening, do you not? Just thought I had the freedom and choice to show my naked body to whom I would like too.

           I stood there and felt this vibration right in the middle of my skull. To this day, I do not know if it was just myself, acting up, from being so angry. Or the radiations from the full body scanner ruining my body. The scan was finished and I walked out. But still had to wait 'til this man told me I was clear. Passed Level 2.

          

Back From A Fantasy.

          You know, it's crazy to think where you are this this particular moment, you truly do not want to be in. I recenter just came back home from Italy, which was a fantastic trip (if you haven't traveled there before I recommend doing so). Italy is beautiful, mostly for their architecture, is simply just amazing. I came to me asking: Who sat here and did all this work? Who the hell designed this? Wow, how did they get do high? How did they pain a ceiling with no scaffolding?

          Going to a different country, especially if you live in the states, is a whole new experience. Their customs, laws, ways are all different than ours and it is clearly wonderful. Learning new things is also a plus. Something said in Italy really opened my mind and hope to continue to live by it. "dolche far niente" which the english translation is "The sweetness of doing nothing". The italians live by this, and I think that is just a brilliant conception. 

          Next time you decide to go out for dinner. Try and enjoy your meal, and then take your time when you are finished. The american servers are very selfish and rush you out of "their" tables. Don't feel rushed. Enjoy your time and meal and company, to whom you are sharing this meal with. You paid for your meal. You most likely waited to sit down. And lastly, you tipped the server. So sit their, and give your body a little time to digest as well as just rest. If you feel rushed, COMPLAIN. Because that is a bad server. 

          The city of love, Verona, was beautiful yet calm. I recently just saw Letters To Juliet, a movie that was located in Verona. The movie was a sweet romantic love story of a woman who wrote a letter to Juliet Capulet (William Shakespeare's character Juliet Capulet, in his tragedy: Romeo & Juliet). 50 years later a younger woman on her honeymoon found the letter and responded to it. It was a beautifully wrote letter, and the whole movie these two woman, and the older woman's grandson, travel to find the older woman's true love. Again such a sweet romantic story. 

          The letter talked about using the two words "what" and "if". Separate these words are as harmless as can be, but put them both together and they can be the deadliest to words of the human heart. The letter made me think about love and how does love exactly happen. People are sex addicts in our country. They are in other places as well, don't get me wrong, but more in the United States than any other country. I feel like we miss the big picture, as it drives away attached to a bus. I mean do we know how to love or do we not. Does anyone? Can anyone? How do you know? I wish I watched this movie because I traveled to Italy because I would have loved to feel what I feel now in the city of love.