a liar. A fricking, fucking liar. How does one get anywhere with a mouth like mine? A mind like mind? This life is about honesty, and I know nothing about that word. The word that connected relationships, the word that creates bonds between people for ever. All I ever say is what people want to hear. But what does that get anyone? Happiness isn't the answer.
This must change. I need to speak my mind in a kind manner. A way that people can understand where I am coming from as well as get my point across. I guess I'm scared. Scared of what people think about me, think about my interests, my lifestyle. I don't like when people think of me differently, and by stating my real opinion, I sometimes think it will mix up their feelings of me. From now on I am going to try my best at this honesty thing. I have too, I must. I can't be this liar. No one should be.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Thinking Back..
You ever sit and think back to a day where you loved every minute of every second? Think about who you were with, what you were doing? Lastly, what were the thoughts going through your head at the time. A familiar name that takes me a step back in my life showed up the other day and from that day on its a name I think of often. And that's not for the better. Just looking at the name hit me in back with a paddle.
It was back in high school, this day, I was in my favorite spot in the world over by Nahant beach. A little rocky area that is called 40 steps, due to the amount of stairs you had to walk down in order to get to this tiny beach with gigantic rocks that lead to the beautiful ocean blue. Today, their are actually more steps. They had to rebuilt the stairs because it became to dangerous and steep to walk up and down. But this location is peaceful, scenic and just thought provoking. I was there with him. Him, who I cannot name. He sticks in my heart, I can't say as my first love but as my first man, my first experience, my first real emotion, my first real kiss.
There are two side to get onto this beach, one being the stairs and the other being a private parking lot that only locals are allowed to park in. Going against the rules that is where I parked and we took a long walk into and onto these rocks. A place I have yet stepped on, it was dark and late but the fact that it was new to me excited me. We kept walking until he said lets sit down here. And even today I can point out this particular spot to anyone. It was the flattest part of the rock that had a rectangular small piece of rock to its right with a bush to the left and directly in the back of the middle of these piece was a small tree that drooped towards the bush. I would forget it. It looks like a hard bed with a plant next to it.
This isn't the spot that I had my first kiss, yet that was on a beach, it was not this beach. This place though.... a place full of memories already. Took me to this new element of a man lying on top of me and me lying on top of another man. I promise you this is not the place I did the deed, that never happened with this man, whom I will not name. Thinking back on this time I can remember how happy I was to be having this long moment with someone whom I have thought about three years prior to this happening. The end of this story is sad, which kills me to think about but I won't ever forget this time. The time that we kissed so long, I felt as if I was still kissing him the whole drive home. The time I felt his skin of his ass on my palm. The time I thought something would have came out of the what I thought was friendship. The time I left my favorite rock of all time on the water with this new confidence, new life in me.
Why can thoughts take you to a place you don't want to relive, good or bad, it hurts to much?
It was back in high school, this day, I was in my favorite spot in the world over by Nahant beach. A little rocky area that is called 40 steps, due to the amount of stairs you had to walk down in order to get to this tiny beach with gigantic rocks that lead to the beautiful ocean blue. Today, their are actually more steps. They had to rebuilt the stairs because it became to dangerous and steep to walk up and down. But this location is peaceful, scenic and just thought provoking. I was there with him. Him, who I cannot name. He sticks in my heart, I can't say as my first love but as my first man, my first experience, my first real emotion, my first real kiss.
There are two side to get onto this beach, one being the stairs and the other being a private parking lot that only locals are allowed to park in. Going against the rules that is where I parked and we took a long walk into and onto these rocks. A place I have yet stepped on, it was dark and late but the fact that it was new to me excited me. We kept walking until he said lets sit down here. And even today I can point out this particular spot to anyone. It was the flattest part of the rock that had a rectangular small piece of rock to its right with a bush to the left and directly in the back of the middle of these piece was a small tree that drooped towards the bush. I would forget it. It looks like a hard bed with a plant next to it.
This isn't the spot that I had my first kiss, yet that was on a beach, it was not this beach. This place though.... a place full of memories already. Took me to this new element of a man lying on top of me and me lying on top of another man. I promise you this is not the place I did the deed, that never happened with this man, whom I will not name. Thinking back on this time I can remember how happy I was to be having this long moment with someone whom I have thought about three years prior to this happening. The end of this story is sad, which kills me to think about but I won't ever forget this time. The time that we kissed so long, I felt as if I was still kissing him the whole drive home. The time I felt his skin of his ass on my palm. The time I thought something would have came out of the what I thought was friendship. The time I left my favorite rock of all time on the water with this new confidence, new life in me.
Why can thoughts take you to a place you don't want to relive, good or bad, it hurts to much?
Sunday, April 8, 2012
20 Seconds
We need to live, we need to love and hate but understand. We need to connect to strangers to relatives. We need to walk and not stop until you get to where you truly would like to be. We need to work, work hard for life not for money but for life itself. We need courage, courage to speak our minds, courage to keep walking, courage to breathe. Breath is one thing that stays without us our whole lives, why let it go.
We are missing out on so much because we are frightened, frightened by others, life, words, emotion. [20 Seconds]. Frightened by light or death. Frightened by challenges, boundaries, rules. Frightened by laws. [20 Seconds]. By animals, boys, women, attention, anxiety, spiders, the world at its fullest. [20 Seconds].
Why not face it, face life to live to your fullest. There could be so much. Not greed, but light, love, new mind. Why not. Why not be yourself. Find yourself through yourself not through others. Through grass, flowers, clouds, the sky, the freedom. The freedom to enjoy what you could be. [20 Seconds].
I always ask myself "What If?" now I ask you "Why Not?"
We are missing out on so much because we are frightened, frightened by others, life, words, emotion. [20 Seconds]. Frightened by light or death. Frightened by challenges, boundaries, rules. Frightened by laws. [20 Seconds]. By animals, boys, women, attention, anxiety, spiders, the world at its fullest. [20 Seconds].
Why not face it, face life to live to your fullest. There could be so much. Not greed, but light, love, new mind. Why not. Why not be yourself. Find yourself through yourself not through others. Through grass, flowers, clouds, the sky, the freedom. The freedom to enjoy what you could be. [20 Seconds].
I always ask myself "What If?" now I ask you "Why Not?"
Monday, March 12, 2012
The same stupidity of all of us.
From time to time, everyone on this planet says "I want to stop and just breathe for a moment and cherish it." This is a great thing to say, I mean, I am about to say to all of you right now. It is such a used phrase but one that means so much. It means you want to try.. And that is all I want too do. For me it's not so much the take a breathe but more of the important moments.
I know where I want my life to go, but how I am getting there is debatable. I just hope that I can live it. Now-a-days life itself has become such a struggle when we didn't need to make it this way. And this is economy, government, and us the people. We make such categories of people, food, countries, states, and more that we separate ourselves from one another and all anyone needs while living is spending it with one another.
I, myself would like to just STOP, and love everything. Love that I am where I am, love that I am wearing my favorite color blue shirt, love that I have fashionable shoes on my feet, love that I have the ability to see and smile, love that when I go home I have a family who loves me no matter how much they don't tell me, love that I have friends who love me, love that I am getting a great education, love my past, past relationships, past moments I didn't get to cherish, love that I can feel, feel emotion, feel silk, feel real leather, love I am here. Here on this planet call earth that is ours. I am living and I don't have a moment to realize it. I don't have a moment to love it. To feel it. Embrace it.
This is what I want and I am going to try my hardest into achieving it.
Take a look at this picture.
I know where I want my life to go, but how I am getting there is debatable. I just hope that I can live it. Now-a-days life itself has become such a struggle when we didn't need to make it this way. And this is economy, government, and us the people. We make such categories of people, food, countries, states, and more that we separate ourselves from one another and all anyone needs while living is spending it with one another.
I, myself would like to just STOP, and love everything. Love that I am where I am, love that I am wearing my favorite color blue shirt, love that I have fashionable shoes on my feet, love that I have the ability to see and smile, love that when I go home I have a family who loves me no matter how much they don't tell me, love that I have friends who love me, love that I am getting a great education, love my past, past relationships, past moments I didn't get to cherish, love that I can feel, feel emotion, feel silk, feel real leather, love I am here. Here on this planet call earth that is ours. I am living and I don't have a moment to realize it. I don't have a moment to love it. To feel it. Embrace it.
This is what I want and I am going to try my hardest into achieving it.
Take a look at this picture.
Hard to believe but I had taken this picture 2 years ago, on my travels in Switzerland. Such a beautiful picture of the mountains. As much as I would love to lie to you right now, this picture is embracive and I did not even embrace it. This picture is pure beauty and I didn't have the chance to realize it, till I came home and wished I had sat there and just stared at this image and loved everything about it. But by then it was too late...
If only....
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Statistics Behind...
I wake up in the morning and think of men, but not because I'm horny but because that is who should be next to me in the morning with me and him smiling at each other because we have one another. You might call me a romantic, or even a hopeless romantic because I am still single and i cannot find the perfect man, and this is why.
When choosing the "perfect" man you have to take in account all of the above: LOOKS, HIEGHT, WEIGHT, JOB, MONEY, CAR, HAIRDO, CLOTHES, DOES HE LIVE WITH HIS PARENTS? Bullshit. Welcome to my sarcasm. These things are bullshit, but yet true when it comes to probably 89% of our worlds population. When I wake up, I think about the smile that could be next to me, the eyes, the head relaxed on my chest, the stupid jokes that are ridiculous but make me laugh because it came out of his mouth, the freckle underneath his eye and how I secretly think its sexy, the facial hair on his cheek that pricks me when we kiss.
I don't know how this is about, I wish I did. I wish men just popped out of no where everyday. But they don't. All you have are the men in your life. And how can you not spend a life thinking these men are "the one", even though you have no seen some of them for quite sometime now. People have histories with people and I'd like to believe that it helps you in the end, but I can't say it has.
What I am saying is, it doesn't matter. It will never matter. And as you are reading this I can hear you asking "what?" Well I don't exactly know. But what I do know is feel something. Feel everything you can that will bring you happiness. I pray every night for this for myself and everyone in my life. You don't need a hook up or a causal fuck buddy. Because it doesn't matter. What matters is you, and your life with happiness. Everything in between the lines, I just want to experience.
When choosing the "perfect" man you have to take in account all of the above: LOOKS, HIEGHT, WEIGHT, JOB, MONEY, CAR, HAIRDO, CLOTHES, DOES HE LIVE WITH HIS PARENTS? Bullshit. Welcome to my sarcasm. These things are bullshit, but yet true when it comes to probably 89% of our worlds population. When I wake up, I think about the smile that could be next to me, the eyes, the head relaxed on my chest, the stupid jokes that are ridiculous but make me laugh because it came out of his mouth, the freckle underneath his eye and how I secretly think its sexy, the facial hair on his cheek that pricks me when we kiss.
I don't know how this is about, I wish I did. I wish men just popped out of no where everyday. But they don't. All you have are the men in your life. And how can you not spend a life thinking these men are "the one", even though you have no seen some of them for quite sometime now. People have histories with people and I'd like to believe that it helps you in the end, but I can't say it has.
What I am saying is, it doesn't matter. It will never matter. And as you are reading this I can hear you asking "what?" Well I don't exactly know. But what I do know is feel something. Feel everything you can that will bring you happiness. I pray every night for this for myself and everyone in my life. You don't need a hook up or a causal fuck buddy. Because it doesn't matter. What matters is you, and your life with happiness. Everything in between the lines, I just want to experience.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Matter of Time.
I feel the need to speak, but speaking is something i just cannot do with this. It is more than that! If this isn't an act out for help then I don't know what else to do. Throw my body into your face and hope that you see me? Buy a gun and point it to my forehead until you know the information I just want to scream at you, or you, or even you. It does't matter... no one ever listens in the end.
I don't want to play the game of just getting by, and hoping for the best while wishing everything could just be better. I need to find this motivating spirit that i can use with my life. To loose weight, to get straight A (maybe just one B), to clean my apartment, to get a boyfriend, to receive and to actually produce love. Simply love to myself, my parents, my siblings, newborns, elderly, ANYTHING! I have this huge heart when I lie on my bed and sob over romantic movies. But when it comes to people, the judgmental atmosphere that kills my insides, I don't know how to act. All these questions come to mind, stupid stupid stupid questions, that just fill the mind with what I call the cloud of death. Because its questions like this that lead you to just that.... DEATH.
I want to learn how to play the piano. Maybe get back to the marimba, maybe just lay in my bed and hope for the best. The world became this huge competition that I just do not want to compete it. Why bother. In the end we all die, whether I say that I have succeed or the buried corpses next to mine, who is listening? I know I cannot answer who will be listening or who will I really be talking to? I know I have a few names in mind but that means nothing...
I have dead. And I would love to come back alive, I just don't know what's going to get me there. I TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY, nothing will ever go in the way of Alex Drapinski. The plans and road that is what he wants to take is the worst road to be on in a time like this, because he clearly lost the steering wheel. It's just a matter of time... Matter of Time.
I don't want to play the game of just getting by, and hoping for the best while wishing everything could just be better. I need to find this motivating spirit that i can use with my life. To loose weight, to get straight A (maybe just one B), to clean my apartment, to get a boyfriend, to receive and to actually produce love. Simply love to myself, my parents, my siblings, newborns, elderly, ANYTHING! I have this huge heart when I lie on my bed and sob over romantic movies. But when it comes to people, the judgmental atmosphere that kills my insides, I don't know how to act. All these questions come to mind, stupid stupid stupid questions, that just fill the mind with what I call the cloud of death. Because its questions like this that lead you to just that.... DEATH.
I want to learn how to play the piano. Maybe get back to the marimba, maybe just lay in my bed and hope for the best. The world became this huge competition that I just do not want to compete it. Why bother. In the end we all die, whether I say that I have succeed or the buried corpses next to mine, who is listening? I know I cannot answer who will be listening or who will I really be talking to? I know I have a few names in mind but that means nothing...
I have dead. And I would love to come back alive, I just don't know what's going to get me there. I TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY, nothing will ever go in the way of Alex Drapinski. The plans and road that is what he wants to take is the worst road to be on in a time like this, because he clearly lost the steering wheel. It's just a matter of time... Matter of Time.
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